They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
