my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
