He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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