I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
