Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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