I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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