Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
