oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
