I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
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Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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