ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
