My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
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