On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I need mimosas to revive my soul
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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