dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
