I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
