Whatcha textin bout Willis?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
