I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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