mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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