i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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