You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
