I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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