ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
