i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
