I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
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Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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