she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
