I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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