I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
