In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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