I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I think I won the penis lottery.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
