Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
