she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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