I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize