you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
