i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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