One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
