My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
