Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
