I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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