I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
