ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
