I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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