I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I'm both gender and math confused
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
