A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
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I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
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She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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