this beer tastes like vomit already
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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