The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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