i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
