okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
