your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
