Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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