do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
