The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
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I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
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LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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