I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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