I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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