oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
