You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
