I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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