all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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